i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
