I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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