I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
