he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
