i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
