You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
