Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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