hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
