My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
