Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When are your genitals available?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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