Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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