i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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