My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
