my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
