When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
