Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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