Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
