So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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