Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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