false alarm. still invincible.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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