peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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