i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
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get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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