Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
