2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
