just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
