The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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