he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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