I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
