Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
