The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
