I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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