I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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