he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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