My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.