Yo dont text me then not text me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
