dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
