I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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