I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
