she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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