I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
