dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
