Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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