College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
