I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if only i could text you this smell
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
