I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
be right there i have to get my cape
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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