When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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