Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
