If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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