Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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