I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
