im about as happy as oj after his trial
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
