Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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