There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
