[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
