Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
