I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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