it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
