Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
