I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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