It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
