I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
