god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
