She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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