So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
