His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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